Who is on the Train?
As I look around the car
What do I see
The young college girl
Hunched forward bangs hanging in her face
To shield her from the eyes of others
Typing on her laptop
Another entry into her diary blog
About her breakup and her sadness from it
So eager to share everything
While at the very same time
She withdraws from the world
The old man with the simple business suit
And brown shoes that have seen better days
Reading the paper and hanging on
To days gone
By remaining dedicated
To his archaic form of news
Because it feels warm and comfortable
Of course it helps that is written
With him and his demographic in mind
Smart business move indeed
The we are not a couple couple
Both late 20’s and well dressed
And let me not forget good looking
By their clothes they are obviously corporate
They work together and are just friends
He wants much much more
But pretends to not care
As he is way too into himself
To admit he could not get her
If he really tried
She sees through his façade
And flirts casually with him
Merely for the attention
And for her own entertainment
Smiling and looking up occasionally
From her smart phone
As he puts on and then takes off
His Ray Ban aviators
Apparently undecided what the best move is
The man asleep
Or at least pretending to be
Clothes dirty and soiled
Shoe strings untied and tattered
From dragging across the ground
Hair dirty in need of a wash
He could pass for homeless
If he claimed to be
But more than likely he is not
And has just given up
On himself and tells everyone
He just does not care what people think
But that is just a defense mechanism
Which could also be a reason
For his lack of hygiene
Just a drastic way to keep others away
I casually turn my head
To the other shoulder
A soft reflection in the glass
Floats transparently on top
Of the scenery flying past
Making the thought
Cross my mind
As the car looks at me
What does it see
****I was told by a publisher that while my poetry was very good. That as a collection much of it was too similar in style, flow and format. That I needed to come out of my comfort zone and try different things. The truth is I do sometimes but always feel it is not as good. I wrote this months ago and it is far from my normal style. I hope you enjoyed it.****
blackswanpoetry 
This is wonderful, really! It was compelling. It’s always good to mix it up a bit. The rhyme and flow are on. This line, “By remaining dedicated To his archaic form of news” is killer. Good luck with your publishing endeavors!
Thank you so much Unga. It means a lot especailly coming from you. You were one of the first people on here and keep coming back. Thank you
I was just thinking, “You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension. A dimension of sound. A dimension of sight. A dimension of mind. You’re moving into a land of both shadow and substance of things and ideas. You’ve just crossed over into… The Twilight Zone.” You just started an episode. That publisher is a sharp person.
Thank you for telling me. I am glad it provoked something. Maybe I do need to branch out more often. I can do my main style anytime I want. It comes easier but maybe that is not always best. A happy balance is what I should seek.
You’re welcome.
Love it!! I was on that train with you every step of the way. I like what you wrote about the girl and her laptop. Perhaps I can relate to that a bit. GREAT writing!
Thank you so much. I was not sure of this one and was not sure if I should post it.
I loved this! I often look at people on trains (or at airports or in the shops or in restaurants) and wonder about them. thinking the same thoughts you so eloquently expressed in this piece.
Thanks Kate I think a lot of us do this 🙂
I did like it. I am a people watcher myself and this treated the “addiction” with finesse! We are indeed players on a stage and our lives become entertainment for others.
Thanks Donna. I always say people entertain me.
Before I got to the footnote I was reading this and wondering “hey,this is not the sort of poetry that I usually read here” and now I know the reason.It certainly is out of your comfort zone,you can feel a tinge of an awkward discomfort in your lines. I LOVE your usual style,I think I have gushed about it too many times on this very blog.This is good too,although I can sense that you are not yet confident about this style.But I got to say,this too looks promising.You just need to feel more at ease 🙂
You have said many kind things on here and thank you for being honest. I will never stop writing things in my usual style as that is true to me. But I do think I need to push myself into some places not yet covered. Hopefully that will make everything better. But don’t fear the other stuff will never go away. And besides I have a bunch of it I have not posted yet 🙂
This is beautiful. Just like what the others have said, I am a people watcher too and I enjoyed this one very well. I always always make comments in my head about what these people might be about and you did too and turned that wondering into Literature. Excellent! 🙂
Btw, found you through Promising Poets’ Poetry Cafe. 🙂
Thank you very much. And that’s great welcome. Feel free to browse other posts. I think you will find them to be very different then this one.
I just saw that you subscribed! Thank you so much. I hope to keep you entertained. Please read through the older posts as I am sure you will find some you like. Thanks again Jess!
Sure of course. You’re welcome! 🙂
I was drawn into your seane …. It was if i were your eyes….
I loved it!!!
Thanks L. You are here often so it means a lot that you liked this one. It is different so I really appreciate it.
It reads like a visual, sliding to its conclusion– nicely done. As someone who grew up before internet I have a hard time appreciating the lure of the social network over actual social contact.
I did as well and it is strange. But I think it is easier.
You have captured memorable scenes in those stanzas beautifully. I would not have been able to say that this was written by someone out of the comfort zone.
Thank you. That is nice to hear
vivid and beautiful notes on life’s dusts…
thanks for sharing.
thanks Morning that is poetic in itself 🙂
I like this a lot. It is extremely insightful and flows very poetically at the same time. Not knowing your typical style, I would say you are quite good at this one!
thanks charles. I appreciate it and it is a lot different. But I am glad you liked it.
Very observant, wonderful imagery. A nicely painted picture.
Thank you I am glad you could see it.
I do like it, Swanrose. It really seems to be a slice of life of our times. I like the ending, and have to say it was unexpected for me. All the observations and interpretations of others, and then the wondering what others see (and presumably, would think),
thank you that is what I was going for 🙂
This really tells a story.Great work. I like to people watch too.
This is really good…I liked the couple not a couple, and your observations are quite insightful. If you don’t mind me saying I think this could become much more although it is great how it stands. 🙂
you could be right. It is different for me so maybe I should give it a second go later. thanks for reading
i can relate to
So eager to share everything
While at the very same time
She withdraws from the world
stings to my core. lovely Swan 🙂
thanks Reese I am glad you can and that you like it 🙂
I like it. I think it’s good.
Thanks Angela
Very good, to see things from different angles like this! 🙂
Thanks Ina.
This is incredible. I think it is beautifully written and you have captured the fellow passengers so well.
thank you and thanks for stopping to read
A really lovely poem. Absolutely fascinated me in the astute commentary. The “we are not a couple couple” made me laugh. Loved it. Great job
Thank you. Yeah that was my intent in that part as I am sure we have all been witness to it.
I just saw you subscribed. thank you so much. I hope to keep you entertained. please read older posts on here and I am sure you find some you like. thanks again 🙂
Lovely cameos. I like the first one the best I think of the blogging and withdrawal.
thank you manic
i did really enjoy it…love all the textures of the people you saw…love doing that and one of the reasons i like public transport…enjoyable piece…
thank you Brian. I agree
nice..you saw them all…used to commute by train for about two years…meant 2 hours train rides every day…5 days a week…and i loved to observe people and after a while you know them…good capture..
thank you claudia 🙂 I appreciate it
Yeah, when I ride the train, I love to watch the people and note all the drama going on around me.
It can be entertaining at times….
I often take the train into the city (chicago) and this felt like one of those rides, very descriptive, took me there. awesome
I wrote this on a train into Chicago 🙂 or leaving can’t remember… thanks
i thought this fantastic. Every image, every moment, every hidden story, superbly presented. I’d buy it! 🙂
wow thank you so much. That is a great comment to read!
smart observations of the imagination – cool delivery – a great ride
Thanks Arron Thank you for reading and the comment
Nice character descriptions… great details.
Still like this poem.
Hello! WOW. We kind of had the same idea, I mean I had never read your blog before & never read this before doing mine. I think you might appreciate my poem (it’s much thinner) but I also have a blog entry dedicated to something similar to yours.
You capture the observation of each person and emotion just right. I love this. I simply love this. People watching in general is just amazing sometimes…
Nice capture of the people in the train.. each with their own story to tell (or hide)..
thanks for sharing this ~
thank you Heaven I am glad you liked it
Every person is a story – and you captured that here. Good poem.
thanks Glynn
Like you I tend to have a style that I am most comfortable with, yet have been trying to spread my wings a bit lately. Really not sure yet that they will carry me… smiles.
Thought this piece was right on with the interpretation of those aboard this journey. Spot on with today’s busy world. A little more work to smooth the transitions and it will be great!
thank you and thanks for being honest with improvement needed!
I broke out of my style tonight and it seemed to miss but I think it’s important as poet’s to take risks. You draw a clear picture here, I enjoyed it!
thanks Anna appreciate it
I don’t know your other work. I liked this. Bringing it back to you and changing the focus is very effective. It is a bit of prose and is not too unlike a piece I have posted on my blog – a bus ride I took in the 60s, a slice of life of its times too. You might care to look at it here: http://beachanny.blogspot.com/2010/08/trip-out.html
Reading them back to back as I just did made me realize how travel has changed. Then we didn’t travel much, and of course it was all in Texas which is a real long time point to point, and we didn’t just stare, we talked to each other …. a lot!
Thank you I will check it out.
As a people watcher this piece really spoke to me, the perspectives or all that is around us can be so inspiring, I liked the journey of this prose, bringing into a self examination at the close was perfect! ~ Rose
Thank you Rose I am glad you liked that part. It seemed natural to come to that.
I really enjoyed these quiet moments of observation – so much part of a writer’s life. Nice ending too.
Thanks Sally 🙂 drop back in anytime.
Great poem. I really got lost in the story and details. Really reminds me of Source Code, the attention paid to the details of every passenger riding the train. Lovely write.
Thank you I didn’t think of that but I can see how you did. Appreciate it.
The first thing I thought when I heard this prompt was of the many types of passengers you can observe on a long train ride. You took that first thought and made it into a descriptive piece. Also, I love the background of your blog. Cool picture 🙂
Thank you and glad you found my blog. Hope to see you again.
i have no idea what your usual style may be, but this was extremely enjoyable to read. i especially liked the we are not a couple couple!
Keen eye for observation you have. I could imagine exactly what you were seeing. Nice Job!
I love that you turned to the other shoulder. This is amazing. I’m not familiar with your style. Haven’t read you before… very glad I did now. What a gift of perceptive observation. I’m on board. =)